Children have a need for recognition and attention—“look at me,” for example; a hunger for stimulation, “let’s do something,” or getting contact; and a hunger for certainty. Certainty is reassurance that the social psychological systems that keep us safe and make life predictable, “Who’s in Charge here,” are provided. Providing strokes for being and doing helps the child grow. 

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Babies need food, water, air, protection, and strokes. Yes, strokes - being caressed, being sung to, being cuddled, being touched, being talked to, being rocked, being touched, being carried, being handled, being touched…Babies who are not touched can experience depression, lack of appetite, weight loss, and death. This condition is called marasmus or wasting away. Touching a baby’s skin stimulates growth. Both physical and mental. So, if you want your baby to grow up healthy and smart, cuddle her. Often 

The talking and touching that the baby gets are called unconditional strokes. They are a positive reward for being. The baby does not have to earn them. She does not get them on condition that she behaves in a certain way. She gets them just because she is there. They are strokes for being and are very important since the job of the infant is to decide to be. “To be, or not to be: that is the question.” If she gets enough care, if her needs are met, she will decide to be, to trust her caregivers, to trust herself, and later to trust her world. The frequency and quality of the strokes we give our infants are important because children define themselves in terms of the strokes that they get. Warm, tender, loving responses to a baby’s cry will invite her to decide that she can get her needs met, that she’s OK. There’s lots of positive self-esteem in that. A grumpy, rough response invites her to decide that she is not OK and maybe that other people are not OK either. She may still decide to live, to be, but will be less confident, less joyful in her decision. Not much positive self-esteem in that.

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Unlucky is the child who is told not to be. “I wish you had never been born” is an invitation to a child to decide not to be; they are “Don’t Be” messages. She may end her life quickly with an automobile or slowly with alcohol or drugs, or she may live her life without really being. By living only a small part of her life, she is capable of living. There is little positive self-esteem there.[74]