Don’t discount the importance of conflict in growth. Conflict is necessary for development. When conflict with an important issue happens, use a nurturing Parent ego-state and positive strokes; never discount the importance of an issue. Good groups have more positive statements than negative ones. A person needs three positive statements for every one negative statement. Good marriages need a ratio of 5:1 positive strokes for every one negative stroke. Affirmations for behaviour, identity, sexuality, and separation are key. Contentious relationships can be caring. Disagreement is a normal part of adolescent development. Use a positive stroke, make a request for change, and end with another positive statement (stroke). Looking for opportunities to be light and exchange strokes is called hassling. Hassling invites warm interactions.  

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John Bradshaw Rules for Fighting Fair: 

 

• Be assertive, not aggressive

• Stay in the now

• Avoid lecture; stay with the concrete, specific behavioural details

• Use “I messages” and avoid judgements

• Be rigorously honest

• Don’t assign blame

• Don’t argue over the details

• Use active listening

• Fight about one thing at a time

• Go for a solution, not being right, and hang in there unless you are being abused[101]